Obama mulls resignation

by Turtle MacBride

With the domestic economy mired in recession and many parts of the world in turmoil, President Barack Obama has come to the realization that he is not qualified to be president and has been considering the idea of “making things right” by resigning, sources say. The biggest obstacle to this course of action is said to be the fact that Vice President Joseph Biden would then become President.

By mid 2010, President Obama started to realize his economic policies weren’t working. Not only did the policies fail to lower unemployment, inflation started to pick up. Plus, we were winding up with a ginormous deficit. In the meanwhile, recoveries were getting underway in countries that adopted austerity budgets. President Obama asked his economic advisors to reconsider their premises, but to no avail. Besides, Obama learned, the entire Democratic Party is beholden to public employee unions and many people in the green movement actually want the economy to fail. Once, and completely off the record, Obama remarked, “Socialism may look great when you’re high, but it’s a bitch when you’re the President.” Recently, President Obama has been seen bringing his Gameboy to economic briefings.

Same thing with foreign policy. After two years of access to intelligence, President Obama has, in private, completely turned around on the threat posed by radical Islam. No more closing Guantanamo Bay, no hasty withdrawal from Iraq, a “surge” in
Afghanistan. The President’s motto nowadays is WWWD, as in “What Would ‘W’ Do?” Replace Mubarak with a military government? Exactly. Bomb the hell out of Libya? You got it. Strengthen Europe’s missile defense against Iran? Why not?

In a candid moment, President Obama revealed his new foreign policy strategy. “I picked this up during an episode of Seinfeld. George Costanza decided to do the opposite of whatever his instincts told him.”

“Whenever there’s a problem in the world,“ the President continued, “I now do the opposite of what my instincts say. For example, if my instincts say ‘due process,’ I go with ‘military tribunals.’ If my instincts say ‘timetable for withdrawal,’ I’m doing ‘surge.’ If my instincts say ‘the Constitution requires Congressional authorization of the initiation of force, I'm saying ’What Constitution?’”

“I have to admit,” President Obama said, “that I discovered how far over my head this job is, but, what could I do? On the one hand, I got Bozo the Clown for a Vice President; and, on the other, I have to somehow manage to pay for the bills that Michelle rings up. So, if I resigned, the country would be in worse shape and I’d be out of a job in the middle of a bad economy married to a spendaholic.”

And what if Vice President Biden could be persuaded to resign along with you? “For crying out loud,” he replied, “then we’d wind up with Boehner, and the radical Muslims would look at the whole picture - me resigning and Boehner all teary eyed and everything - as a sign of weakness. Sometimes, you know, you just have to stay the course.” With that, the President’s handlers broke off the interview. He had to move on to a photo opportunity, standing next to a Chevy Volt with a banner in the background proclaiming “Emission Accomplished.”